


the constellations of you and i

by chariseuma



Series: only fools fall for you (maybe i'm a fool too) [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, i suck at this otl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 05:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chariseuma/pseuds/chariseuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it took seungkwan nearly eleven years to realise that he was, indeed, in love with hansol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the constellations of you and i

Seungkwan learnt at the age of eleven that stars were not diamonds twinkling in the night skies but they were luminous sphere of plasma, held together by their own gravity.

Hansol was the one who told him this when Hansol found him staring at starry sky on the playground. Seungkwan’s parents were arguing again that night, and it was probably one of the biggest fights they ever had because Seungkwan could not stand the screaming and crying so he decided to go out and have fresh air for a bit.

Their house was not far from the Seungkwan’s favourite park thus he went there, sat on the end of the slide while imagining himself as a stargazer and pretending that everything was alright. Hansol, coincidentally, was walking back home from tuition.

They were not friends, not yet anyway, only two children going to the same school and apparently, classmates too but this information was sufficient for Hansol to come over to the boy with chubby cheeks, who appeared to be watching the constellations in the sky.

Despite the fact that Seungkwan was trying so hard to give the impression that he was okay, he abruptly broke down into tears when Hansol told him whatever he thought about the stars were a lie.

Suddenly, Hansol felt like the biggest asshole ever.

Here he was, sitting beside a boy he barely knew on a dirty yellow slide, gaping at him while the said boy cried after Hansol told him the truth about stars.

“I-I’m sorry!” Hansol stammered; his gaunt hands were getting fidgety and his expression showed how remorseful he was. “I d-don’t mean to—”

From Hansol’s knowledge, people would usually try to say that ‘it was okay’ and that ‘it was not your fault’ but Seungkwan was not saying any of those things. He kept on crying and sobbing and when he looked up to Hansol, his nose was red and runny and the tears kept on flowing from his eyes.

Hansol tried not to groan in disgust but he was feeling apologetic so he patted Seungkwan on the back.

When Seungkwan had finally calmed down, Hansol excused himself to go home. Seungkwan looked hesitant at first, for uncertain reasons, but after debating with himself for a moment, he decided to stand up and ran to Hansol, offering the half-American boy his company to walk Hansol back home.

At age thirteen, Seungkwan learnt that love doesn’t last forever.

His mother left the family, leaving him and his father alone at home. The house gotten quiet; the only noise heard was his father drunken confessions. Seungkwan had to stayed up late most of the night, to wait for his father to come back home, in fear that his father would leave him too.

The night before his mother left, his parents were not arguing so Seungkwan did not have the need to take a walk outside. For the first time in years, he felt serene. Though they were not yelling, Seungkwan can see feel the tense situation during dinner.

His father barely looked his mother in the eyes, and his mother only focused her attention to Seungkwan, as if his father was not there.

That night, when Seungkwan went to bed, his mother had walked into his room and gave him kisses on the forehead and cheek. Seungkwan knew he was too old for bedtime stories and kisses, but this rarely happened so he let it be.

His mother had caressed his hand with his fingers as she kept on telling him how much she loved him and how sorry she was. Seungkwan did not want to hear any of it. They stopped arguing and it was enough.

What Seungkwan did not know was that it was the last time he had ever seen his mother.

He cried for weeks. His father did not even bother to give an explanation.

Seungkwan had been absent from school for days and it was beginning to cause worry to Hansol.

This was the first time, in their almost-two-years of friendship, Hansol decided to come over to Seungkwan’s house. Luckily, Seungkwan was the one who opened the door. When he saw Hansol, he immediately wrapped his arms around the boy and Hansol, used to seeing Seungkwan cry, only wrapped his arms back around Seungkwan’s waist, and slowly pat his back.

Seungkwan told him.

He told him everything.

Hansol, not being able to provide any sort of advice, only listened carefully. When he wiped the tears from Seungkwan’s eyes, Seungkwan gave him a small smile and he truly felt blessed for having Hansol as a friend.

There was a nice feeling at the pit of his stomach when Hansol did that, but he decided to brush it off and just embraced the moment they were sharing.

At age fifteen, Seungkwan learnt the reason why his mother left.

She was in love with another person. It was a woman.

It was during school holidays when Seungkwan decided that he wanted to earn money for himself.

Seungkwan was on his way to the post office early in the morning, to grab the morning papers to be distributed to the houses when he saw two women jogging at the park near the post office. He halted when he heard the familiar laughter, which to his dismay, the laughter he missed. A laughter that was full of life and love.

Turning his head towards the two women, he saw them giggling and laughing as they slowly stopped jogging. He was not sure what was happening, but he saw that conversations were exchanged between the two as they jogged their way to the nearest tree and sat down, probably exhausted from the running.

Seungkwan wanted to cry, to run to the woman he called his mother.

But as he was about to take another step, the gap between the two closed and the two kissed.

There were no perfect words to describe how Seungkwan was feeling. At some point, he felt betrayed at the thought of his own mother, selfishly abandoning his father for another woman.

He did not show up to the post office that morning.

Hansol was at his porch, waiting for his best friend to deliver the morning paper but it was already nine thirty and he was not here. Hansol knew something was wrong.

Worried, he went to Seungkwan’s house, only to find that the house was empty.

To this, Hansol went back home and tried to get his mind off Seungkwan and played computer games instead. He rang Seungkwan’s house, but no one bothered to pick it up.

After dinner, Hansol decided that he wanted to check on Seungkwan just to make sure he was alright.

On his way to Seungkwan’s house, he saw a figure, crouching at the end of the slide at the park, and he knew immediately that it was Seungkwan.

“What’s wrong?”

Seungkwan only turned to him, and Hansol saw how tired he was and how droopy and exhausted his eyes were. Hansol was expecting for Seungkwan to cry, but he did not. Instead, Seungkwan let out a sigh and tilted his head, staring at the night sky.

“Do you know what happens if stars fall down to Earth?”

Hansol thought for a moment before answering. He knew something was off with his best friend, Seungkwan was rarely serious. Most of the time Seungkwan would jest around despite being miserable at home. Hansol learnt that Seungkwan used humor as self-defense mechanism and he liked Seungkwan for putting on a strong façade to the others but not him.

“It wouldn’t be call that, you know. Stars have more mass than the Earth, Seungkwan. If anything like that ever happens, it would be Earth falling into the stars.”

Seungkwan chuckled.

Hansol continued, “Of course, every living thing will die. We’d be vaporized by the heat from the star. The Earth will be destroyed.”

“Nerd.” He heard Seungkwan snorted.

Hansol’s lips curved into a smile.

“That wouldn’t happen, you know,” Hansol added.

“I don’t know, actually. I’m not the nerd here.”

Hansol only rolled his eyes.

At the age of seventeen, Seungkwan learnt a lot of things. Things like sex and drugs. The things that every parent warned you about.

But not his.

His parents were not there to warn him about the cruel world they were living in.

But Seungkwan had Hansol and it sufficed.

At this age, he learnt that the society did not like the idea of same-sex couples. It reminded him of his mother, and every time he reminisced about his mother, he completely forgotten about the good times they shared together. The good times were clouded by anger – by the memory of him unintentionally finding out about her and her woman lover.

Seungkwan did not have the chance to light up his fag because just when he was about to flick the lighter, Hansol burst into his room with a huge grin, oblivious to what Seungkwan was doing. But when he saw what Seungkwan was holding, and his stunned expression, Hansol’s grin turned into a grimace.

That was when they had their first fight.

This was just how Seungkwan remembered his parents fighting — yelling. They were yelling. Hansol and Seungkwan were yelling.

Of course, it had to be Seungkwan who cried because he was the idiot in this friendship. He was always the one who cried. In fact, he had never seen Hansol cry. Not even once.

Hansol, being the good friend he always was, immediately calmed Seungkwan down and this time, softly, talking to him. He promised to dispose of the fag Seungkwan had almost lit up, and though Seungkwan wanted to whimper because he had bought that with his own money, he abruptly had a change of heart when Hansol made him promise not to do it again.

Seungkwan wanted to kiss him right then.

And he hated himself for that.

He hated that he might be in love with his best friend.

And god, he hated himself for loving a boy. He was supposed to love a girl. A fucking girl. Damn. Why can’t Hansol be a girl?

At the age of eighteen, Seungkwan learnt that calling a girl late at night would relieve his stress.

He liked how good they made him feel and he liked the sounds they make as if he was in control of them. By this age, Seungkwan had slept with a few girls, after seeing Hansol with Seoyeon. Seungkwan did not have to ask Hansol; but he knew they had the hots for each other.

Moreover, sleeping with a girl managed to get Hansol out of his mind.

At the age of nineteen, Seungkwan learnt that fist fights won’t solve your problems; it will only bring you to jail.

Seungkwan was at the gay club, for god knows what. He was just trying to prove himself that he was not gay. He hated to admit that he was probably homophobic; that these gay people around him were not to be blamed but because of his mother, he just hated all of them.

When a flamboyant guy touched him, Seungkwan did not flinch. In fact, it was normal to him. Until he leaned in and gave Seungkwan a kiss on the lips.

As if there was a switch inside Seungkwan’s body, he jerked. He pushed the guy, letting him stumble on the floor and punched his face over and over and over again. The guy tried to fight back but it was no use – Seungkwan was the one in control.

A few tried to stop him, but Seungkwan was stronger.

In the end, police were called and Seungkwan was placed behind the bars.

Seungkwan did not cry.

When he was asked who he wanted to call, it was Hansol.

Hansol came without hesitation, still in his bunny slippers and short pajama pants. Seungkwan knew Hansol never liked to sleep with a shirt on thus was why he was covering himself with a bathrobe.

Hansol seemed calm when dealing with the officers, he even paid to bail Seungkwan out of jail.

When they were outside, Seungkwan never felt more embarrassed in his whole life. Hansol was staring at him with his huge brown eyes. He was concerned, Seungkwan could tell. At this moment, Seungkwan wanted to go back to jail and never go out. There was nothing worse than Hansol staring right at him in disappointment – it was too much.

“Why?”

Hansol’s voice cracked.

Seungkwan’s face hardened as he shrugged.

“He was innocent, Seungkwan.”

“He kissed me.”

“Couldn’t you just pull away?”

Hansol knew about Seungkwan’s hatred towards these people and as much as Hansol wanted to give him a piece of his mind, he knew Seungkwan wouldn’t change his view towards gay people.

That night was probably the most awkward night in their lives. When Seungkwan get out of Hansol’s car, he swore he heard Hansol sniffed.

At the age of twenty, Seungkwan realized that Hansol was gay.

He saw the way Hansol was looking at Seungcheol and he saw the way Hansol blushed whenever Seungcheol teased him. Seungkwan was having mixed feelings about this and he was not sure why.

When he saw Seungcheol and Hansol kissing, anger was bubbling in his stomach. He wanted to hurt something. He wanted to hurt someone.

And it was as if Seungkwan had lost control of himself that he marched towards the two of them and pull Seungcheol away from Hansol.

“Wh—“ Seungkwan did not know what he was about to say nor he cared, because the next thing he knew, his fist flew to Seungcheol’s face.

Seungkwan could see himself punching him over and over again as he ignored Hansol’s cries. As Hansol tried to stop him, he shoved Hansol away.

“Seungkwan, stop!”

Seungcheol was bleeding by then. He was just lying there, not even bothering to shield himself from Seungkwan’s punch. Seungkwan turned to Hansol, a little bit satisfied for what he did but he grimaced when he looked at Hansol, who was on the floor, with his elbow bleeding.

He had tears in his eyes— something Seungkwan never seen before.

Then he stopped.

He unclenched his fists, suddenly a wave of guilt crashing over him.

Hansol wiped the tears from his eyes as he stood up. Seungkwan wanted to apologize, to say something, but he froze. He was not sure what he wanted to say. His mind was filled with paragraphs of the things he wanted to say, but nothing managed to come out from his mouth.

Nothing hurt the most than the disappointing look in Hansol’s face before he turned and ran.

Seungkwan glanced at Seungcheol, who was apparently lifeless under him. With a loud and remorseful scream, he stumbled on the ground before taking out his cellphone and stared at the wallpaper of him and Hansol.

At the age of twenty two, Seungkwan and Hansol finally talked to each other after two years.

Seungkwan noticed how tense Hansol was around him. As if Hansol was scared at him. Seungkwan missed him so much, more than he wanted to admit. After Hansol explained to him about his sexuality and how afraid he was of Seungkwan to hate him, Seungkwan replied by saying that he did not mind.

He did not mind if it was Hansol.

Because during this time, when Hansol managed to laugh at some lame jokes he made, Seungkwan realized how much he love his laugh.

At the age of twenty three, Hansol found a girl he loved.

He told Seungkwan that she was probably the one. Seungkwan pretended he did not care.

At the age of twenty four, Seungkwan was asked to be Hansol’s best man.

Seungkwan was not sure what he was feeling. But he knew he could not say no to Hansol.

Hansol got married at the age of twenty five, just a few weeks after his birthday. Seungkwan could see how nervous he was, despite looking handsome in his tuxedo. When Areum walked down the aisle, he could see how shining Hansol’s face was and he knew he would never see Hansol smiling like that again. Because after this day, Hansol was no longer his.

After fourteen years of friendship, at the very day of Hansol’s marriage, Seungkwan finally accepted the fact that he was in love with Hansol the moment he told him the truth about stars. He finally embraced the fact that he loved Hansol for who he was, not for his gender or whatsoever because it did not matter because he was Hansol.

When the wedding was over, Seungkwan sat alone at one of the tables outside. He was staring at the stars again.

“Hey.”

Seungkwan turned to find Hansol, with his tie loosen, sitting beside him.

“Remember how we became friends?”

Seungkwan smiled softly. “Yeah.”

“You were crying.”

Seungkwan chuckled as he nodded, “Yes, I was.”

“I used to like you, you know?”

Seungkwan did not turn to Hansol this time, he only stared at the sky.

“Actually, I’ve liked you for a very long time.”

Seungkwan chuckled again. “I didn’t know that.”

“But I’m glad I have Areum now. Wouldn’t it be weird if I told you this years ago?” Hansol chortled.

Seungkwan wanted to bang his head repeatedly against the wooden table. He was always a crier, and after years of not crying in front of Hansol, he felt like this would probably the last time he would ever cry in front of him. But he decided to clear his throat, pretending like it was okay because he was a master in pretending.

“Yeah, she’s a lucky girl,” Seungkwan murmured.

“We’ll still keep in touch, right?”

Seungkwan nodded.

Hansol patted Seungkwan on the shoulder, before standing up and ran towards his bride.

Seungkwan learnt at the age of twenty five, that he was still in love with Hansol and he had loved him for eleven years.

He also learnt that Hansol loved him too.

By this time, he realized how much he was missing out. How much time he had wasted being angry at himself for denying the fact that he was in love with Hansol.

After all, Hansol was his star and Seungkwan was just the Earth, falling into the star and destroyed.

**Author's Note:**

> otl tell me what y'all think! <33


End file.
